One thing I have learned through my years of work is that unconditional love and forgiveness are the most powerful things we can do, for the sake of our own mental health and healing. And it's easy to say and challenging to do, until you do it once and see what true unconditional love and forgiveness can give to YOU.
Without realizing it, so many of us are putting expectations on someone else to make us happy. Most women I know struggle with this at some point or another in their lives. Whether it’s with their partner, best friend, child, the clerk at the grocery store, the guy who didn’t hold the door open for you, or the boss that didn’t give you the recognition you deserve, there is a tendency to put our ability to feel good in the hands of someone else.
Consider for a minute the idea that busyness for many of us busyaholics IS our coping mechanism.
Slowing down is hard, and I don't mean, emptying your schedule to make time for nothing (though I highly encourage that too), I mean for a lot of us, busyness lets us put our minds and energy towards creating or solving puzzles we feel more comfortable with. Oh they can be annoying, difficult and time sucking, absolutely, but the act of putting our energy towards solving them does serve to put our attention elsewhere.
Do you have a clear “to-do” list that you’re always behind on?
If you’re a creative type, like me, likely you have many great aspirations across your life, and what you tend to do is prioritize your actions, without clarifying your priorities. I know, this sounds like the old “who’s on first” skit from Abbot and Costello, but stick with me.
We don’t want to fail (and, by the way, why not?) or not be “good enough” (again, why not?), so we build a homestead around the fire of “I’m waiting until I’m ready,” or "that will probably never happen for me, so I just won't even try." We roast marshmallows, talk to others also homesteading there, make good friends, get comfortable, even feel sorry for ourselves because, "see it's totally unlikely that my dreams could come true," – but still have nights when we’re looking out beyond camp to the place off in the distance that is calling us, wishing and hoping.
How you treat yourself is a choice. It’s YOUR choice.
No-one, unfortunately, can choose for you. And I want you to consider that this is critical. That how you treat yourself creates the foundation upon which you interact in the world. The bad news is, sometimes we have to untangle thoughts and experiences that are in the way of us treating ourselves kindly and with respect. AND the awesome news is YOU have all the power here. Really.
It’s not about letting yourself off the “hook.”
So many of my clients struggle with confidence, we all do of course! And the number one thing I notice causing the struggle is how much they beat themselves up. Literally, their thinking about themselves is all that holds them back. When we beat ourselves up for not being “perfect” and therefore not “confident” we hold ourselves back.
You are in the driver's seat when you practice emotional adulthood.
The idea of Emotional Adulthood is a core tenant in my coaching practice. Because from the place of emotional adulthood we take back so much of our own power in our lives. We become more focused on what matters, rather than being distracted with things we can’t change, and we begin to create in our lives in ways that can just blow your mind.
Don't stress the stuff you can't change. It's a waste of your energy and emotional wherewithal.
Are you trudging through life trying to "get things done," and breaking promises to yourself day after day?
Secretly, you wonder, “what is wrong with me?” Or, “why can't I do what I say I'm going to do?” It's just doing the laundry, getting to bed on time, losing weight, starting yoga, getting to places on time, finishing that project, or starting that online course I paid for but never seem to have the time to do.
Sound like you? Are you cheating on yourself in this way?
I find myself using Kenny Rogers' famous song, "The Gambler," to help me illustrate to my clients AND myself probably too many things, but today... how to overcome your delegation anxiety.
I view two levels of delegating, the small stuff (tactical) and the big stuff (strategic). Both forms of delegating can be challenging for the busyaholic, and really for lots of people.
Do you procrastinate? Do you get stuck in needing it all to be perfect, otherwise you don't do it at all, or you spend hours perfecting something that a B- quality of work would suffice? Do you have a to-do list a mile long, but can't seem to make much progress? Are you always coming up with great ideas, but have trouble following through on them? Do you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day, because you worried all day long that you should have been focusing your attention on what is important to you, and can't wait for the evening time when you can stop and relax?
You've heard this, the mind is the most powerful tool us human beings have. Yet most of us, kind of run on auto-pilot, or let our minds run us. Almost passively listening and reacting to our thoughts. The most important thing you can do is OBSERVE your thoughts. Really.
Often we don’t become aware of our thoughts until we’re feeling some kind of strong emotion, usually unpleasant. But, as you know, it is our thoughts that create our feelings. Not the other way around. So can you see how important it is that we get curious about what thoughts are running through our brains?
Do you find yourself complaining about all the things going wrong in your life, and then have to remind yourself of this too? If so you are in good company. It's not because you are a negative Nelly. No, it's your brain doing it's job to keep you safe, but it hasn't quite adapted to live outside the cave yet.
1. Coachee: You said the goal is not to feel good all of the time?
Me: Right. Our circumstances are not always going to be pleasant and that’s ok. Often we think we have to change our circumstance to feel better, but that is not the point. We can change how we’re thinking about our circumstances and that will change how we’re feeling, reacting and what results we’re creating for ourselves in that circumstance.
You might be wondering, when you finally feel comfortable at something (work, play, life), why are you not as satisfied as you expected?
Our comfort zones. They are so cozy. So reassuring. So stable. Until they’re not. Until our insistence on staying in our comfort zone, usually so well meaning, actually leads to a narrowing of our life to such an extent that we feel “trapped” or “stuck” versus comfortable and good.
"Setbacks" are just "Speed bumps" on the road to change. Totally normal!
Get familiar with the way you think about your setbacks and your whole life can change. Sounds dramatic, but it's true!
So listen – anytime you’re trying to make a change in your life you’re going to experience what feels like setbacks. And a lot of the time we tell ourselves that a “setback” means we can’t do it, or it’s not going to work.
“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.” — Christopher Reeve
It’s important for us to believe in things we have no past evidence to support us believing in.
Our thoughts shape our reality. So if we continue to think what we’ve always thought, we’re going to produce what we’ve always produced. I’ve read this a thousand times before. But you know when you have that moment where you hear something and then that moment when you REALLY HEAR something.