Here’s a novel way to arm yourself not to fight but to love your face off for your sake. Get ready! This is good.
It’s almost Turkey time in the USA and all the other holidays are just around the corner.
I thought you’d get some use from this subject now, as a lot of my work with clients around this time is about helping them to prep themselves to deal with family in ways that create feelings of love and peace inside — instead of mild-to-extreme angst & dread and the typical emotional hangover that lasts about a week. Have you been there? I think we all have.
Family is a beautiful thing, but it can also be a source of emotional pain for a lot us. It’s normal. Everybody's got a little drama somewhere in their family system and that’s ok.
Nothing’s wrong with you and it doesn’t need to be a source of shame or other terrible negative emotions either. There is another way.
Together we’ll map out an emotional strategy for the holidays!
I’m not saying it's easy, but it can be EASIER when you do this work. If you're really suffering around family stuff, I encourage you to jump on a mini session with me — and let me help you map out your personal emotional strategy this holiday season. We've still got a little time before Thanksgiving next week.
You can do hard things!
This is my jam guys. I’m good at this stuff. I wish I could teach everyone how to do this work. It sure would alleviate a lot of unnecessary pain. I remember how hard it used to be for me during the holidays. Now, it’s not nearly as daunting as it once used to be. It’s so freeing. And you can experience this freedom too.
Freedom is good.
Know that it’s all part of life. 50% of the time it’s gonna be negative emotion and 50% of the time it’s gonna be positive emotion. Like it's been since the beginning of time. Contrast's an amazing thing if you know how to manage your emotional life and allow the contrast just to exist.
Get your mindset groove on.
The problem is that most of us don’t know exactly how to prepare ourselves for the emotional roller coaster that is our perception of the “holidays.” But it’s just like anything else. Your mindset can take you to places you never dreamed possible. Some of you are dealing with this in small doses and some of you in mega gulps — so don’t think I am generalizing that it’s a one size fits all kind of thing. Your situation is unique to you, but let’s see what you can do when you are armed with the best feeling ever, LOVE.
Boundaries are still available at all times. And if you need to set em please do, and take them without hesitation!
How to prepare yourself emotionally with these three steps. Take note.
First and foremost, LOVE is more available when you're all about self-care, self-love & self-compassion. Especially during the holidays. That's the very first step. That’s your first focus and priority. Got it?
Second is remembering your innate lovability factor. You cannot be more lovable than you are and were the day you were born. So no need to knot yourself up into a pretzel trying to make yourself more lovable to anyone. If they can’t see your 100% lovability factor, that’s their loss. And don’t you go making that mean anything about you, you hear me? ☺️You are 100% lovable. I don’t care how many times you've been rejected, or acted “imperfectly,” that’s got absolutely nothing to do with your lovability. When someone can’t see your lovability it’s because of their inability to love or their incapacity to love, not your lovability. Ok?
Third, if you thought 1 and 2 sounded dreamy, this one might scare the bejesus out of you. And that’s ok. It just means you have some metal sorting to do in that lovely mind of yours, like we all do. Ok, so here it goes, three— remember the innate lovability of everyone else around you. It's not super easy to have a fresh look at someone you’ve seen as "difficult" and even possibly a “villain," as someone who’s 100% lovable. But it can be. Now, if you don’t or can’t get yourself to a loving place with this person, I do not want you to go into guilt…. that's not the purpose of this conversation. Guilt will serve you no purpose. If you can find a way that guilt serves you please let me know, but it really never does.
The purpose of practicing love for someone whom you find difficult or even hurtful, is so that you can selfishly experience that beautiful feeling of LOVE.
And so that you get to be in more control of your emotional life. It’s also not about taking a moral high ground stance either.
And please hear me on this, it's not for THEIR sake, it’s for yours. So that you get to feel LOVE. Just because love feels amazing. It’s so much better than resentment, anger, frustration, sadness and hurt for instance.
Do not subject yourself or your children to someone who's been abusive, without doing this work. And I would suggest doing the work with a professional. Let’s cover all the bases here. So if you are confused reach out to me. We’ll work it out together, boundaries and all if they are called for.
No matter what, you ultimately get to decide. And if love's a viable option then you can HAVE it and FEEL it. Cool thing is you can do this from afar the person doesn’t even have to be in your sight, you don’t have to be talking with them, and they can even have passed on already. And you can have a loving relationship with them because you get to CHOOSE LOVE.
Some of us have family members and even friends that we’ve decided for one reason or another not to be around.
If that's the only option available to you and you’ve looked at all of them, then I totally get it, and support you. Taking care of yourself is number one and no one can do that work for you. But if you have any question because relationship can be tricky just know I’m here for you to talk these things out with.
So just remember during the holidays, It’s all about #1 above first. Your self-love-care-compassion is your best friend. Even if if you don’t get to #2 & #3. When you practice self-compassion, you are well on your way.
There are also times when it’s appropriate for you to take a break as you work out your prep for the fam.
And that doesn’t doesn’t mean you'll choose to be in this space forever, or that it’s necessary in every situation. What I'm saying, is give yourself permission to do what's right for you, even if it means ruffling some feathers because you're not doing what everyone else expects of you.
With a managed mind just about anything can be possible, you’d be amazed at how something that currently feels uncomfortable, very difficult or insurmountable can become manageable. It’s such freedom.
I'm wishing you a lovely Thanksgiving and a beautiful holiday season my amazing peeps. I got your back. I am rooting for you. You got this.
I will be talking about boundaries next week. So stayed tuned to have a holiday season that you rock out in as much LOVE and JOY as is possible for you on your journey right now.