How’s your weekend? Tomorrow, I’ll be preparing the finishing touches for a live coaching class for you all on Monday!
Until then let’s jump into understanding the 7 tactics subconsciously use to sabotage relationships. If you missed last week’s we talked about the underlying reasons WHY so go back and check it out.
Identify with any of these and desire a healthy loving relationships? It’s time to understand what’s going on and start to heal. You deserve love in abundance, so let’s get to work!
7 tell-tale signs & tactics you might subconsciously use to self-sabotage relationships.
Negative focus — Do you obsess over the negative? One of my clients, we’ll call her Natasha was stuck here. In our mini session she said how much she wanted a committed relationship, but none had worked so far. She was beginning to believe they never would. This is a common thought error— in all areas of life.
It sounds like, “Well I haven’t done it before so why should I think it’s possible now?” But you’d never think of saying that to your teenage niece, Ashley who’s applying for college. Imagine, “Oh dear, don’t even try, if you haven’t been accepted yet, it’ll never happen for you.” You’d never say that right? Even if she didn’t get into her first college picks, you’d probably say, “Just keep trying, don’t give up on your dream.”
But Natasha, couldn’t shake her negative focus that she’d never find love. Can you relate? Do you look for evidence that your relationship goals are dangerous and unachievable? Even when you’re in healthy relationships do you look for evidence and end up confirming you’ll never find what you’re looking for? If so your likely sabotaging. If you’re confused about the health of the relationship seek professional help. Knowing the difference between convincing yourself an abusive relationships is healthy and finding healthy love can be tricky AND so important!
Indulging in fear — Fear can be universal or specific. Fear’s linked to self-sabotage as discussed last week in regard to Post Traumatic Stress and attachment patterns learned in childhood. If you observe that most things fill you with a sense of dread, you’ve likely hit upon what causes self-sabotaging behavior in your life. Or it could be more specific, like romantic relationships.
It’s also possible there’s an underlying anxiety disorder or anxious pattern of thinking. Seeking professional help if you’re not sure is always the way to go. In any of these situations, fear keeps you stuck in repeating realities and prevents you from fulfilling your dreams.
Underestimating your worth — We’ve talked about this before… how your worth is innate no matter what. If you are underestimating your worth you’ll have a larger than life inner critic. You’ll tend to view yourself in a negative light which can affect how you show up in relationships. How vulnerable you allow yourself and/or how harshly you judge others too.
Have you noticed that we’re all flawed and imperfect? Thank goodness, otherwise we’d all be bored to tears. If you question your own worth it’ll affects your self-esteem. Which makes it hard because at some point you’ll undoubtably feel criticized and judged, even if it’s a misconception, or you’re in an otherwise loving relationship.
It’s interesting to ponder that when someone’s judging you, it’s often because they’re judging themselves. It’s never personal, and that doesn’t mean you’ll choose to stay in the relationship or not. It’s up to you. The best thing you can do is work on self- love and self-acceptance and not judging yourself first. You’ll be surprised how this’ll help you in all your relationships.
Compare and despair — If you have a tendency or compulsion to compare yourself to others you could be sabotaging. Compare and despair never serves and can cause failure ahead of time. For example, think about your friend Tara, who you deem as “having it all”— in your words— “beauty, brains, privilege and success.” She’s dating and “can’t seem to find the right person.” If you negatively appraise your own attributes compared to hers, you’re likely to say, “Screw this- if she can’t find someone I definitely won’t be able to so what’s the point?” Next thing you know you delete your bumble profile and go back to isolating yourself on the weekends.
First of all no one’s perfect or has it all, those are just unhelpful thoughts. There’s someone amazing for you no matter what you currently think. But it’s helpful if you believed it. And if you believed in your own unique and amazing qualities and stopped comparing yourself to everyone else. It’s exhausting and a total waste of time and energy.
Don’t use compare and despair as a false sense of protection to keep you from showing up 100% in life and in your relationships—if what you really want is love.
Denying your achievements — if you’ve a hard time acknowledging your successes, in general, this can also show up in baffling ways in your romantic relationships. It can look like getting to know someone you really like and then causing arguments, cheating, avoiding, disappearing (ghosting), or acting “as if” you don’t care in another way, that causes a break-up or break in the connection.
In your career, it looks like getting an amazing opportunity and then failing to show up in a way that sabotages it. It’s the minds way of keeping the status quo. In essence to keep you locked in the familiar and what feels like safety. But sabotaging your dreams is never safe, even if it seems like it.
Pushing people away — If you tend to push people away in general, it’s likely you’re self-sabotaging. Self-destructiveness in relationships doesn’t just show up in your romantic life. Do you have any of these common behaviors ranging from being evasive in conversation, refusing to meet, not calling or texting back, or being outright rude or dismissive?
If you’re sabotaging in this way, you often feel regret once the damage is done. You’ll likely be confused and ask yourself why you’ve pushed yet another perfectly great person away. If you read last week’s blog about fear of abandonment and Post-Traumatic Stress, you’ve likely got a better understanding of how and why this is a pattern for you.
It’s totally possible to make new patterns. Both staying stuck and creating something new takes effort, but only one ends with a reward.
Lacking clear purpose — never really knowing what you’re “supposed” to be doing with your life?
Is often a way of staying safe and avoiding risking new life experiences. After all, if you don’t acknowledge and pursue a life purpose, you can’t fail or get hurt.
What many don’t realize is that evading purpose is more harmful, ultimately making your life deeply unsatisfying. You can make any decision good or bad, whether you’ve a perceived fail or not. As you learn how to stop self-sabotaging behaviors, you’ll find it’s easier to explore and identify your true purpose.
You deserve to live happily ever after, so stop the sabotage now!
If you’re stuck in any of these tactics, it’s not your fault. Be easy with yourself. But be honest and get the help you need. My first suggestion is doing thought downloads by emptying your mind every morning. When you get in the habit, you’ll become more aware of your patterns of thoughts and feelings.
My second suggestion is to practice the self-coaching model— to change your sabotaging thought and feeling patterns that steal your greatest desires
I’m always talking to you about how to make more time. Because when you have more time, you have less stress, more time for important relationships, more abundance in all form and the ability to make your wildest dreams a reality.
I’m fortunate enough to do this work in my own life and help my clients do it in theirs. I see the power it’s made in peoples lives. I have clients and colleagues making 7-figures from doing this work, getting and staying at their goal weight without deprivation, finding a life partner, writing books and so much more. One of my personal fav’s is getting 10 hours back per week by cutting out all the mind junk. So much is possible with 10 hours more a week, and that’s just to start. It’s incredible you guys!
So learn this work. Take back your life. Don’t go one more day sabotaging your beautiful self. You deserve all the best life has to offer! We all do. Just because you’re human and you can and you desire to. Go get it!
Join me on Monday for a free class and I’ll teach you how to implement these skills and make time your BFF!
You can get some coaching by me, or simply listen and learn how this works and how self-coaching can change your life. If you’ve been on the fence about signing up for a mini session this is a great way to get to know this work. See you there. Here’s the sign-up:
Break-up with Busyness! Sign up for the call now!
See you Monday.