After talking about self-concept, I got to thinking about how it relates to its sister, self-confidence. I also got some questions about confidence, and how it and identity complement each other.
So, how do we cultivate that sometimes elusive trust in our worth, abilities, and judgment?
Growing and flexing this particular “muscle” is so important—it literally determines our sense of power and, ultimately, success.
I used to think that to have genuine self-confidence, I had to have accomplished something great already. It seemed to me that someone’s swagger had to come from a place of pride in stuff done in the past.
But over time I realized the key is much more forward-thinking. It’s knowing that, no matter what, you will learn and go after what you want. Having faith in ourselves, in our ability to try/fail/re-try/repeat, is key.
So, if you’re lacking in self-confidence, are you relying on your actions, past or present? Do you have the feeling that confidence comes from the results of those actions?
Well…you gotta stop that woman!
The only place true confidence can come from is from YOU. And as I’ve said a million times before, that basically means from YOUR THOUGHTS. That YOU get to choose. Isn’t that liberating?!? Don’t forget our thoughts lead to our feelings. Meaning if your thoughts are optional so are your feelings! Hurray!
You may be feeling doubt, fear, confusion, or a mix of all three, but other options are out there.
Our thoughts can steal our confidence, but what if we took it back? How would you like to feel instead?
The way we talk to ourselves makes all the difference. Of course, you’re not going to be self-assured if you’re saying mean things to yourself like…
You’re gonna look like a total dork.
What if my talk comes off as stupid?
No one wants me at that party anyway.
Positive self-talk and consistent kindness to ourselves is one of the only ways I know of to cultivate a strong sense of self. Wrapping ourselves in our own love and acceptance builds our strength and resolve to go after our goals.
And just like we distinguished self-concept and narcissism last week, there’s some duality to tease apart here as well. When we talk confidence, the opposite side of the coin is always arrogance.
Confidence is different than arrogance.
We all know someone cocky, who just reeks of insecurity. They trip all over themselves to gain acceptance and approval, while pretending to be perfect. But arrogance is not the same as confidence. It’s not arrogant to be confident. It’s arrogant to act like you are better than others because of your own insecurities. To be confident doesn’t mean you think you are better. It’s not a competition. Having confidence is believing in yourself, no matter what.
Self-confidence comes from believing you are worthy. You’re here, you’re a wonderfully complex human, and you belong. You don’t need permission or approval to feel good about yourself.
Some people try to get confidence by engaging in compare/despair thinking. But we don’t have to keep track of us vs. everyone else. All we must focus on is US vs. OURSELVES. It’s the only competition that matters!
All that’s stopping you is your own thoughts about what you can do, be, experience, triumph over, etc. Everything you want and dream about is possible if you stop allowing the narrative, of self-doubt, and start believing you are worthy just as you are, and know the truth that there are unlimited possibilities for you.
I can hear you from here saying BUT HOWWWWW!? Well, for starters, check out this NYT article, which outlines many excellent, practical steps toward growing your self-confidence.
But before you jump into all that, I think it’s important to know yourself. Where are you now? What’s your current opinion of yourself and your abilities?
The more you know who you are, the more you can trust yourself. When you trust yourself, you feel safe. And when you feel safe, you can create new thoughts and outcomes in your life.
In part 2 of Cultivating Self-Confidence, we’ll dig into rejection, goal-setting, and gaining courage.
