One issue that comes up repeatedly in troubled relationships is a lack of validation—of not feeling heard or supported. We all have a deep need for connection. We crave feeling understood, listened to, and valued.
Validation is a powerful tool that can soothe emotions during arguments, allay fears, open lines of communication, and cement bonds. And it doesn’t mean agreeing with someone you disagree with just to make peace—it simply allows space for their perspective and feelings.
On the other hand, invalidation is all about denying, rejecting, or dismissing someone’s emotions. It tells someone that their own emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable. When it comes down to it, it’s emotional abuse, and can cause confusion and self-doubt. This can often take the form of gaslighting, which is a form of invalidation in that it’s particularly harmful and damaging.
A sure-fire way we can improve our relationships is to make sure we are skilled validators. So what does that look like? Let’s start with its opposite:
EXAMPLES OF INVALIDATING STATEMENTS
❌ You’ll be fine.
❌ You shouldn’t feel that way.
❌ It could be so much worse!
❌ I’m NOT having this conversation.
❌ Just put a smile on your face and tough it out.
❌ Things will work out...it’s not THAT big of a deal.
These statements minimize feelings, make the person question their own reality, dismiss their emotional state, and shut down any chance to make them feel seen and heard.
So how do we practice being good at validating others? We can reflect on their feelings, summarize what we’ve heard them say, and try to understand their position. We do our best to avoid becoming defensive, especially when something we have done, whether perceived correctly or not, has to do with the person’s feelings or distress.
EXAMPLES OF VALIDATING STATEMENTS
✔️ This must be so painful.
✔️ I’m thrilled! You’ve worked so hard, and this must feel amazing!
✔️ I can see how upset you are.
✔️ She said that to you? How dare she? I’d be pissed, too!
✔️ I totally get why you’re mad. I was late, and that’s just rude.
✔️ Woah—that is so confusing and sad.
Notice the difference in these statements vs. the invalidating ones. These truly make the other person feel heard and valued. And while we’re focusing on troubled adult relationships, please note that taking extra care to emotionally validate children is key to rearing adults that are confident and emotionally intelligent.
We can all hold space for one another, even when we don’t agree. We can be upset and not lash out and hurt each other. We can bring comfort just by being present, listening, and reflecting. There’s infinite value in loving and being loved and taking good care, so let’s get to it!
