Tiffany Goyer, MA, RYT, merges her vast education and experience as a life Coach, Therapist, Counselor, Practitioner of Neuro-Emotional Technique (NET) and study of Yoga therapy to bring together a wealth of healing modalities to synchronize the body, mind and spirit.
Do you have the confidence to set boundaries and be assertive? We’ve talked about patience and allowing space for change, but we all know that sometimes no amount of waiting and hoping will work. We know deep in our gut when lines have been crossed, and when certain behavior is unacceptable to us, we must create firm boundaries.
2020 has taught us many lessons, and I think at the heart of them is patience, persistence, and courage. We’ve had to wait…and wait…and wait.
We’ve had to deal with being away from friends and family, keep our spirits up when they may be really low, and have faith that things will eventually get better. I know some of you are really struggling with this. It’s pretty obvious why you might struggle, but what if we shift the lenses a bit?
One issue that comes up repeatedly in troubled relationships is a lack of validation—of not feeling heard or supported. We all have a deep need for connection. We crave feeling understood, listened to, and valued.
Validation is a powerful tool that can soothe emotions during arguments, allay fears, open lines of communication, and cement bonds. And it doesn’t mean agreeing with someone you disagree with just to make peace—it simply allows space for their perspective and feelings.
Do you know what most conflicts in a relationship boil down to? POWER and CONTROL. Yep, that’s the truth of it at a foundational level. This constant push-pull creates so much tension in relationships and can degenerate into an endless loop. But what if you could stop the merry-go-round and do something that would actually be more empowering for you and for the relationship? You can. You can experiment with “Flipping the Script.”
So how was your complaint-free week? Were you able to refrain from complaining? Did you notice any changes while your mind was open, but your mouth was shut? How are you feeling? Are you mad? I bet anything that you’re PISSED.
It may be tough to admit, but staying quiet, stuffing down those complaints, and “letting things go” probably made you mad. And you may still be mad! So what do we do with all that anger?
I’ve had several readers reach out to ask how to handle relationships where you’re “in it by yourself”—when you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in couples therapy or couples coaching or working on interpersonal dynamics.
How do you move forward alone? Are you expected to just throw the whole thing out the window if it isn’t working? Can you really create change by yourself?
One of the great advantages of being a grown adult is that we can be and do (mostly) as we wish. We get to do whatever the heck we want! Trying to control others is futile. We each have free will, and we do NOT like it when people try to manipulate that! Which means if you’re trying to get someone to change so you can be happy, it’s not going to work. The secret to real happiness isn't found in getting others to change, but instead it's in allowing autonomy
Are you protecting yourself by setting boundaries, making threats, or letting others take advantage of you? Physical boundaries are easier. Locked doors, fences, property lines—they all make sense. But how about emotional boundaries? With people you’re particularly close to (either emotionally or in physical space), emotional boundaries are easily blurred if you don’t make them clear.
One of my mentors, Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School, taught me one of the strangest and most powerful concepts ever—that relationships are just thoughts we have in our brains.
Say what, now?
Yep! They exist, surely—but ALL of our varied relationships in the world are simply *our thoughts* about other people.
What’s a boundary anyway?
Holiday season is among us a I can't think of a better time to talk about the importance of boundaries. A boundary is something that you set when there's been a boundary violation.
What's a boundary violation?
A boundary violation happens when someone comes into your emotional or physical space in a way that’s inappropriate. Then you need to do the work of setting a boundary for yourself.
You get to decide what's "inappropriate" for you.
The boundary is actually what you will do if someone violates you.
A lot of my work with clients around this time is about helping them to prep themselves to deal with family in ways that create feelings of love and peace inside — instead of mild-to-extreme angst & dread and the typical emotional hangover that lasts about a week. Have you been there? I think we all have.
Family is a beautiful thing, but it can also be a source of emotional pain for a lot us. It’s normal. Everybody's got a little drama somewhere in their family system and that’s ok.
Nothing’s wrong with you and it doesn’t need to be a source of shame or other terrible negative emotions either. There is another way.
Together we’ll map out an emotional strategy for the holidays!
