One of my mentors, Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School, taught me one of the mind boggling and most powerful concepts ever—that relationships are just thoughts we have in our brains.
Say what, now?
Yep! They exist, surely—but ALL of our varied relationships in the world are simply *our thoughts* about other people.
Many of us are under the impression we CAN control the world, and that other people need to behave a certain way so we can feel ok. We may even develop so many unwritten/unspoken rules for our relationships, that we stop experiencing them. OR, we think if WE behave a certain way others will feel pleased or happy with us, or loved.
At that point, we’re trapped in our *expectations* of how these relationships should be, instead of just enjoying them as they are.
For example, I think my friend Allison is amazing. She is intelligent, kind, beautiful, and cares so much about those she loves. I think everyone should be just as in friendship love with her as I am.
How is it possible that everyone doesn’t have these same exact thoughts about her? Why isn’t everyone who knows Allison in love with her the way I am?
Someone else can know Allison and have a completely different relationship with her. Why? She is the same person—Allison, has not changed. Their relationship with Allison is dependent on their thoughts ABOUT her, not actually her.
Knowing this secret is the key to all relationships: Your relationship with anyone is dependent on your thoughts about them.
Some of us may think our thoughts about others are dependent on what they do, say, or how they behave, but that isn’t the truth of the matter. Your thoughts about them will be dependent on your *expectations* of them and how well they meet those expectations.
Take a moment to picture this visually: There’s you, and there’s another person.
You don’t have a direct experience of the other person with nothing in between you.
What’s between you is your thoughts and their thoughts—and sometimes we barely ever actually reach the other person at all.
Over the next few weeks, we’re going to talk a lot about relationships—how they can be more of how you want them to be when you focus deliberately on what you want to think, let go of some expectation you have that aren’t working for you and understand that relationships are all about our thoughts. What’s it like to be without a manual of expectations for others? Sure you have preferences and standards and boundaries, I’m all for that! But what about the unnecessary negative emotion a lot of us feel in some of our intimate relationships. Let’s get rid of that.
Our goal will be to invest deeply and get to know our own mind and how it effects the way we experience our relationships. You get too decide what works and doesn’t work for you. Deliberately. Once we master this, our relationships will never be the same. They will feel better and for good.
I’ve done this work in my own life and I am so grateful I’ve been able to understand and apply this concept to my life. I get to feel love waaaaay more often, even when people are not acting according to what I expect. I decide if I feel good or not no matter the situation! The situation can be a relationship or otherwise. Join us for this series on relationships, because this work will empower you and change things forever for the better. I promise. xo
This week on a mini, Shannon (name changed for confidentiality purposes) wanted to have a less frazzled experience in her new career as a coach, than she did in her previous corporate job, where she experienced emotional and physical burnout.
She was surprised to realize the seemingly innocuous thought that most of us have that was causing so much of her stress. "There is so much to do I can't keep up." This thought caused her tremendous amounts of stress and contributed to her burnout.
Are you in a similar position in work or life, where you always feel inundated with little hope of keeping up?
I can help you solve, not the symptoms of your inbox necessarily, but get to the root source of all your stress that will change your mindset forever, your health and your ability to make your dreams come true, no matter what the craziness of your inbox looks like. Jump on a mini session. I've only got a few spots a week. Stop delaying and take control of your life today. Click here.
