For several weeks now, we’ve zeroed in on ANGER. How we express it, how we hide it, and how to let that type of energy move through us, instead of getting burned by it.
Most of us would admit it’s been tough work. Maybe a little bit like poking at a wound.
Focusing on things that make you mad or otherwise get you “riled up” is taxing. So we’re going to relax a bit. We’re going to walk through a 3-step process to create positive, feel-good change, and we’ll start with one that’s a bit cliché but stay with me, you won’t regret it.
STEP 1: FOCUS ON THE GOOD
If we’re going to improve our relationships, we have to start where we are and focus on the good. What do you love about your partner? What initially attracted you to them?
Leaning into joy and camaraderie will create more of it, whereas complaining and focusing on your problems will make things infinitely worse. Like attracts like, right?
Try complimenting/appreciating your love on something nice they’ve done recently. Did they wake up early, do some work around your place, go run an errand for you even when they didn’t have to. Praising that behavior can only bring more of it!
STEP 2: FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT
A lot of traditional couples therapy and relationship advice is focused on expressing your frustrations and wishes for the other person to meet your needs. In this scenario usually, one or both of you is required to change for the sake of the other.
But in what I’m suggesting here, you change for the sake of how you want to feel in the relationship.
So gone are the days that how you feel is dependent or dictated by your partner. It’s disempowering if the only way I can feel good is if you do XYZ! Good luck most of the time then. Have you noticed that people rarely do what you want them to do? You don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. How about a way you can empower yourself in your relationship without needing the other to please you to feel good about yourself and your relationship? I say genius! Let’s do it!
You get to do things to feel more empowered and more positive about your life and your relationship no matter what the other person does or does not do! I believe everyone has core traits that they need in a relationship, some that are universal, like respect, and some that are specifically unique to you. You’re the only one that will know if your person does or doesn’t meet that criteria. But so many times I see people split up with a perfectly decent person for them because they don’t understand these skills and they don’t understand how they could actually “feel good” even if there are things that frustrate them about their partners. Which by the way 100% will happen.
Or maybe they go from person to person wondering why they can’t find anyone to “make them happy.” YOU are the one who ultimately determines your happiness. There’s way too much reliance on another person to do that for you. If you learn to do it for yourself, your relationships will be so much clearer as to whether they are right or wrong for you. Your own needs will be so much clearer and you can decide if those are needs you even want your partner to meet or not. They might be needs you get met by friends, or a group you’re involved in, or by some form of art, or dance that you do, who knows the possibilities are endless. So let’s make sure you are in the driver’s seat of making yourself happy! 😃
It’s just true, living with someone day in and day out, whether physically or not is challenging. Think of your family of origin. Ok, am I right? There are going to be things that bug you, patterns that you get into that can ruin a perfectly good love match for you.
These skills are meant to help you stay out of those destructive negative patterns and see the good that’s there. It’s not your fault. Our brains are hardwired to see the negative. In relationships, we need 5 good things to happen for every 1 bad thing to feel safe and connected. That’s pretty drastic and the odds are not super great, sadly. So, let me empower you with these skills to defy the odds.
You will know when you try these skills as experiments if this is the right relationship for you or not. Or you will know how much you can improve your marriage, or your short or long term relationship you’re committed to, but just wish was less conflictual or just more connected.
Knowing is good. If you can wake up in the morning and re-choose to be with someone each day if just feels really good, imperfections faults and all. And if it’s going to end it’s better to end something after you really understand that it will not work for you, rather than you’re so fed up you just bail. So, give this a try and give yourself and your relationship a real shot. At the very least you will bring these skills into a future relationship if this one doesn’t work.
You and your partner don’t have to agree to go to therapy, or no problem if one of you wants to and the other doesn’t for now. That can always be something you aspire to do or do alongside these skills. You just may be surprised to see what magic can happen when you try out these skills. That’s what this relationship series is all about.
I want you to experiment with the opposite. What if we used “ACTING AS IF” as a tool?
What if we behaved “AS IF” we had the relationship we want? That would have to change the dynamics, right? Yep, it actually does!
So, for the sake of science, try the “ACT AS IF” experiment. How would you behave toward your partner IF they brought home a small gift for no reason? If they were the exact person you’ve always wanted them to be?
How would you act IF you felt super close to them, instead of alienated from them? I bet you’d act more open and loving. And then they would almost assuredly feel less defensive and more loving too.
And then, in a way, you’ve changed the entire equation by creating the feelings you want to have. You’ve “ACTED AS IF” your way to real improvement. This is also a concept I like to teach on about acting as if you are your future self today to get you the results you want tomorrow right now. It’s not fake in any way. It’s not manipulative if done from a place of honesty, in that this is how you really would like to see the relationship go. It’s using your creativity to create the life you want, instead of using your complaints and dislikes to create more of that life that you don’t want.
There’s always a balance of things in life, so you don’t want to use this technique to hide the truth from yourself, or to try and be happy and rosy all the time if that is not how you feel. This technique when used appropriately helps you be more of who you really are, more authentic and true to your innate nature.
This technique is NOT used to suppress feelings or be in denial, and certainly NOT to stay in an abusive relationship or a relationship that’s otherwise not good for you and you know this to be true, or you have a suspicion. If you have questions talk with a professional. Here’s a resource that can be helpful if you are in an abusive relationship: The Hotline.
STEP 3: GIVE TO GET or LOVE IN ACTION
In our talks about thought work and feelings, we’ve already learned that we can create the thoughts and feelings we want to have. So, let’s go a step further.
Let’s practice love in action. We can get what we want by GIVING it. What? Oh yeah, baby! That’s so empowering!
Recently one of my clients was downright grief-stricken because her partner wasn’t initiating spontaneous affection like hugs or touch most days. She decided to give what she wanted, some attention and affection. One night while he was watching TV in his usual chair, she plopped herself down on his lap and said, “I want to hug you,” as she embraced him in a tight hug. She felt good and she reported she thought he liked it too as he smiled and his attention was not fixated on the TV for a moment. Even better, the next day, he was walking past her at home and said, “come here,” and spontaneously hugged her. I love these stories because couples can duke it out for days, years even, feeling hurt, the both of them, and afraid or too frustrated to make the first move to give what they want to get.
It’s love in action. Do it in your way, for my client this was characteristically a normal expression of love when she was feeling good and confident about herself and the relationship. What’s your way? Try it out with your person. What do you have to lose? Don’t expect anything immediately, but I can tell you it usually doesn’t take too long before your person responds. Humans want connection and love.
It seems a little counter-intuitive, I know, but it really works. Want flowers, give them. Want a date night? Plan one. Wish your partner would bring home small things that show their love? YOU FIRST.
Like we said at the beginning, like attracts like. And when you create good vibes by practicing love in action, it will almost always come back to you.
Embracing these 3 techniques will, maximize joy and bring goodness into your relationship and most importantly in your life. And key you’ll be empowered by taking control of the situation instead of waiting! Waiting is boring, bring it! You got this!
