For the next step in this process, let’s pull out our lists from a few weeks ago (from the post, “Singlehandedly Improve Any Relationship: Part 1”)—that “pros and cons” list we made.
Who’s “responsible” for those items? What’s your role in the relationship?
Are you the caretaker?
The money person?
The whiner?
The follower?
For now, let’s focus on the “cons.” Are they yours to own? Are they your partner’s? Try to assign the negative aspects to someone, either yourself or the other person.
You’ll probably notice you think a lot of the negative things are the other person’s fault. We like to be in the right. Our egos like to feel good. But what if it’s just untrue?
What if you took the judgment away from the equation? Can you find a way to view the roles in the relationship as neutral? Stepping away from the blame game is scary but empowering.
Suppose that the reason your partner “never does the dishes” isn’t because they are lazy, but because you always beat them to it? Maybe your conditioning is to handle dirty dishes immediately after a meal, but maybe they like to wait a while. Maybe they would get to them later, but they never get a chance because you jump on them to do it, or just do it yourself with resentment.
See how you can reframe and recognize that one person isn’t inherently better than the other—but that there’s just a fundamental difference in cleaning patterns and styles? No amount of complaining is going to change the fact that you are choosing to do all the dishes by doing them first.
And that’s ok—if that’s how you like it. But then you can’t complain! If you prefer they get done right away, then you can jump on them. Knock yourself out! But then acknowledge that it’s unfair to be resentful and gripe. Maybe you are just really good at doing the dishes. More power to you for realizing this and making a choice to not have it cause you a lot of negative emotions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for what you want in relationships, ask away. But realize that just because you ask does not mean it will happen. Then decide if it’s serving you to fight this battle, or if you rather be empowered to change this pattern.
A colleague of mine once said that she and her husband divorced because he brought home the wrong can of tomatoes. She was making a joke about it. But it struck me on how true this is. We can and do dissolve relationships because of the wrong can of tomatoes and you want to consciously decide if the tomatoes are that important to you. You may find there are just too many negative things that are not “desire matches” with you and your significant other. If your partner is a match to some of the important things you desire from a significant other, then great.
We get into trouble when we mistakenly believe that our partners “should” meet all of our needs. When we believe that they should be a desired match to everything we want. If your partner is pretty amazing in X, Y, Z ways that you adore and love, but doesn’t like to do other things you desire… is it possible to meet those desires in friends, family, colleagues, yourself and so forth? Answer that question for yourself. Whether its a yes, or no, be honest with yourself. Do you "like the reason for your answer?" Make sure you like your reason and it makes sense to you. Not just because you are being stubborn about something and cutting off your nose to spite your face. That is the giant discernment. That realization can eliminate a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering.
Before you complain…
For the next week, I challenge you to become aware of each time you open your mouth to complain about something your partner does or does not do. Start with noticing, even if you only recognize it after you just complained out loud. Start with nonjudgmental witnessing of your own role in the drama that plays out. Become aware.
No one likes to be nagged, I don’t. I’m sure you don’t either. It’s not a good motivator. So, try a gripe vacation—just as an experiment. You will be surprised to see what happens in your relationship when you notice this one thing. Spoiler alert, in time, not too distant away, you will see what feels like spontaneous changes in your spouse. More to come later.
Be open to the idea that you’re not right 100% of the time. Our egos like to tell us we are, but it’s just not possible.
We must be open to the reality of what *IS*. And I don’t mean we roll over and accept everything, resigning ourselves to whatever happens to us…I just mean that we can’t create change if we are in denial about how things really are.
Just for this week, give a new frame of mind a try. Stop fighting, stop blaming, don’t yell, don’t nag—just observe. And breathe. There’s no way to correct our course if we don’t even know where we are. Awareness is the key.
Find your “YOU ARE HERE” in your relationship map. Then, in the weeks to come, we’ll work on how to get where we want to go.
