Do you know what most conflicts in a relationship boil down to? POWER and CONTROL. Yep, that’s the truth of it at a foundational level.
We want what we want when we want it, and we try all sorts of things to push things our way. We sometimes cling to relationships as the source of our happiness, make extreme demands on the time of others, or act selfishly in general. Not that the other person in the relationship is doing anything differently, likely they’re doing the same, even if it looks different in the expression of it. And oftentimes it does. Like the old cliché goes “it takes two to tango.”
This constant push-pull creates so much tension in relationships and can degenerate into an endless loop. But what if you could stop the merry-go-round and do something that would actually be more empowering for you and for the relationship? You can. You can experiment with “Flipping the Script.”
MIX THINGS UP
Iris (names changed for confidentiality) wanted to spend time on the weekends with her husband, but they had gotten into a bad cycle. He would watch TV and hang out with the guys and she would nag and complain and continue to ask him to make time for her, which he never did. She was fed up and thinking about leaving the relationship even though she loved Adam. But she wanted more of a joint interactive relationship.
I coached her on how to “Flip the Script.” Instead of nagging and asking for his time, which wasn’t working, I encouraged her to make plans of her own. Things that truly interested her. So, she did. She started to take piano lessons, something she had always wanted to do. She met up with her friends for a socially distanced walk, hike, or coffee. She never mentioned anything about the weekend plans anymore.
Adam didn’t say much the first couple of weekends, but soon he started to ask about what she was up to. She was surprised by this, because when they were in the rut of their recurrent argument that ensued most of the weekend, he never seemed as if he was interested in what she was doing, or at least she didn’t see any evidence of this.
By weekend four, he was asking her to skip her lesson or social plans and spend time with him. But she knew that an integral part of the plan was for her to stay committed to her plans and not flake on them and honor them like she would boundaries. She explained politely to him that she had already made such and such commitments, and would offer an alternative time they could spend together. The first couple of alternative times she offered, he said, wouldn’t work for him. And a few times she found it difficult not to just drop her plans and spend the time with him because after all, this is what she had been wanting. But unless there was a mutual respect for their time the cycle would likely just repeat.
Over the next week, Adam had asked her to reserve Saturday night for the two of them to do something together. Voila! It seemed like magic. She wasn’t pushing or convincing or nagging, which she disliked doing anyway, she had merely “Flipped the Script,” and in the meantime got to enjoy what she wanted to do with her time, that was other than or in addition to time with her husband. This gave Adam the opportunity to realize that he genuinely wanted to spend the time with her too.
They have been going about the weekends like this ever since, and have a usual standing Saturday night time scheduled to spend time together now. It’s a Win-Win!
Try responding in the complete opposite way than you have been in your relationship.
Play around with your power dynamics. Things do not have to be the way they’ve always been—and they actually SHOULDN’T BE.
The irony is that in loosening the reins, in *giving up control*, you’ll most likely change the entire equation. When you are more focused on how you can make you happy, not some weird psychological sorcery, you’ll end up regaining so much power in the letting go, in the flipping of the script.
Where can you “Flip the Script,” in your relationship? And start enjoying your life more when you let go of old ways and find ones that are more empowering and effective.
If you need help please reach out. It’s common to need assistance implementing such plans, staying calm, cool, and collected and remaining true to yourself and the relationship.
Good luck!
