Tiffany Goyer, MA, RYT, merges her vast education and experience as a life Coach, Therapist, Counselor, Practitioner of Neuro-Emotional Technique (NET) and study of Yoga therapy to bring together a wealth of healing modalities to synchronize the body, mind and spirit.
"I can't be sick. I should be working, and taking care of the house, the kids, my to-do list. I will get so behind this is going to be horrible."
If you are thinking these thoughts like most of us busyaholics are when we are sick, then you are right it will be horrible. How to be sick and feel good mentally is challenging but totally possible. It can actually be a time of reprieve even if you feel physically crummy. Take advantage of this pause on life.
“I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and I don’t want people to be mad at me.”
Do you hear yourself thinking either of these thoughts at points in your day? I think of these as key indicators of People Pleasers. It sounds like such a good intention from the outside, not wanting to hurt feelings or make others mad, it sounds caring and like a good way to live.
But, here’s the deal, people pleasing is motivated by fear.
We all do it, what I call "Double Trouble." We trouble ourselves unnecessarily. If you want to learn how to feel better, keep reading, because I will teach you how you can feel better today. Step by step.
Maybe this is you? Let’s say, you’ve been procrastinating <insert your unproductive habit here>. And on top of that, you’re beating yourself up FOR procrastinating.
Our brains are incredibly smart and efficient and we really do want to stay in touch with them. To find practices that build our muscle on this skill. Once you do it enough, it becomes as normal as brushing your teeth. And just like teeth, your brain needs to be cleaned daily or decay will build up and get in the way of your day to day life. Making sense?
Think about what happens when someone makes you so angry. Such as, he was late when he said he’d be on time or she had a girls night and didn’t invite you or he didn’t pick up the groceries you asked him to pick up twice, etc.
You avoid them, snap at them, give them a piece of your mind, tell them it’s their fault, you take some action driven by your frustration. Your behavior is reasonable, right? I’m sorry, no, wrong.
Expecting another person to deal with your feelings is not you dealing with your own feelings.
One thing I have learned through my years of work is that unconditional love and forgiveness are the most powerful things we can do, for the sake of our own mental health and healing. And it's easy to say and challenging to do, until you do it once and see what true unconditional love and forgiveness can give to YOU.
Without realizing it, so many of us are putting expectations on someone else to make us happy. Most women I know struggle with this at some point or another in their lives. Whether it’s with their partner, best friend, child, the clerk at the grocery store, the guy who didn’t hold the door open for you, or the boss that didn’t give you the recognition you deserve, there is a tendency to put our ability to feel good in the hands of someone else.
Consider for a minute the idea that busyness for many of us busyaholics IS our coping mechanism.
Slowing down is hard, and I don't mean, emptying your schedule to make time for nothing (though I highly encourage that too), I mean for a lot of us, busyness lets us put our minds and energy towards creating or solving puzzles we feel more comfortable with. Oh they can be annoying, difficult and time sucking, absolutely, but the act of putting our energy towards solving them does serve to put our attention elsewhere.
Do you have a clear “to-do” list that you’re always behind on?
If you’re a creative type, like me, likely you have many great aspirations across your life, and what you tend to do is prioritize your actions, without clarifying your priorities. I know, this sounds like the old “who’s on first” skit from Abbot and Costello, but stick with me.
We don’t want to fail (and, by the way, why not?) or not be “good enough” (again, why not?), so we build a homestead around the fire of “I’m waiting until I’m ready,” or "that will probably never happen for me, so I just won't even try." We roast marshmallows, talk to others also homesteading there, make good friends, get comfortable, even feel sorry for ourselves because, "see it's totally unlikely that my dreams could come true," – but still have nights when we’re looking out beyond camp to the place off in the distance that is calling us, wishing and hoping.
How you treat yourself is a choice. It’s YOUR choice.
No-one, unfortunately, can choose for you. And I want you to consider that this is critical. That how you treat yourself creates the foundation upon which you interact in the world. The bad news is, sometimes we have to untangle thoughts and experiences that are in the way of us treating ourselves kindly and with respect. AND the awesome news is YOU have all the power here. Really.
It’s not about letting yourself off the “hook.”
So many of my clients struggle with confidence, we all do of course! And the number one thing I notice causing the struggle is how much they beat themselves up. Literally, their thinking about themselves is all that holds them back. When we beat ourselves up for not being “perfect” and therefore not “confident” we hold ourselves back.
You are in the driver's seat when you practice emotional adulthood.
The idea of Emotional Adulthood is a core tenant in my coaching practice. Because from the place of emotional adulthood we take back so much of our own power in our lives. We become more focused on what matters, rather than being distracted with things we can’t change, and we begin to create in our lives in ways that can just blow your mind.
Don't stress the stuff you can't change. It's a waste of your energy and emotional wherewithal.
Are you trudging through life trying to "get things done," and breaking promises to yourself day after day?
Secretly, you wonder, “what is wrong with me?” Or, “why can't I do what I say I'm going to do?” It's just doing the laundry, getting to bed on time, losing weight, starting yoga, getting to places on time, finishing that project, or starting that online course I paid for but never seem to have the time to do.
Sound like you? Are you cheating on yourself in this way?
I find myself using Kenny Rogers' famous song, "The Gambler," to help me illustrate to my clients AND myself probably too many things, but today... how to overcome your delegation anxiety.
I view two levels of delegating, the small stuff (tactical) and the big stuff (strategic). Both forms of delegating can be challenging for the busyaholic, and really for lots of people.
Do you procrastinate? Do you get stuck in needing it all to be perfect, otherwise you don't do it at all, or you spend hours perfecting something that a B- quality of work would suffice? Do you have a to-do list a mile long, but can't seem to make much progress? Are you always coming up with great ideas, but have trouble following through on them? Do you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day, because you worried all day long that you should have been focusing your attention on what is important to you, and can't wait for the evening time when you can stop and relax?
You've heard this, the mind is the most powerful tool us human beings have. Yet most of us, kind of run on auto-pilot, or let our minds run us. Almost passively listening and reacting to our thoughts. The most important thing you can do is OBSERVE your thoughts. Really.
Often we don’t become aware of our thoughts until we’re feeling some kind of strong emotion, usually unpleasant. But, as you know, it is our thoughts that create our feelings. Not the other way around. So can you see how important it is that we get curious about what thoughts are running through our brains?
